HOW TO SAVE THE DAY: EFFECTIVE RESPONDING TO TEMPER TANTRUMS
Temper tantrums, outbursts and meltdowns are known to be part of the typical child’s development. If your preschooler is throwing a fit about lost toy, clean up or not wanting to leave the park, it is exactly what he/she is expected to do. Early childhood, and especially the first 5 years are all about self-regulation. That’s their job. Learn how to manage big emotions and push the boundaries. And it is our job to teach them how to cope with those strong feelings and hold the boundaries firm when it is important. And this is how you do it:
1. Keep calm! Before you even respond to your crying or defying child, you have to calm yourself down first. Emotions are contagious. Your anger or frustration will escalate your child, while your calmness will help your child to relax.
TIP: Try deep belly breaths, count to 10 or ground yourself by using your senses
2. Try to catch your child before going into full blown tantrum! Be proactive. This is still the time when you can reason with your child. You can give them reminders, set up expectations, give choices or redirect them, try to make it fun.
TIP: Creating routine and setting rules and boundaries are proactive strategies decreasing temper tantrums
3. So what to do when your child is just not having it, and is now lying on the ground with fists banging the floor and scream piercing your ears?
DO NOT try to educate or reason with your child when tantruming. They are not hearing you, as they are currently in their emotional brain.
You have to wait for them to calm down! You can assist them to calm down by modeling deep breathing (breath loudly yourself). You can also offer ways to relax, which always have to be taught when calm, such as drink water, breath, lay down, listen to music, etc. (Each child is unique so find what works for yours). This teaching can be done during play time or as a part of night time routine.
Validate child’s feelings and ignore the tantrum:
“You look angry. You did not want to clean up. You wanted to keep playing. That must be hard. I see that you are having hard time to calm down now. I will wait for you and I am ready whenever you are” With something along those lines, you will now ignore your child’s tantrum (no eye contact, no talking, no touching) This ignoring technique will send the message that you are simply not giving your child attention for inappropriate behaviors.
When your child calms down, you will reconnect with them, praise them for calming down and follow through with the task, which caused the tantrum in the first place, such as clean up, or whatever it might be.
TIP: Make sure your child is well fed and got enough sleep, because that would make anyone cranky.
Consistency is key! Know that if you are trying new parenting strategy, it gets worse before it gets better, as your child will push boundaries to see how serious and consistent you are.